ennui

Nothing much of interest to blog about lately.

Life continues on rather more stubbornly than ever since I've joined the ranks of the unemployed and rather useless. Life doesn't seem to want to let me continue on to be a fully-fledged productive adult in society and so I find myself living in my parents house, waiting for the lease to be up on my apartment. While I wait, I vary between moments of complete denial-- planning christmas-themed projects and watching Martha Stewart online-- and waves of panic about how time keeps going by and I feel as though absolutely NOTHING (good) will ever happen to me. The vague idea that I will study for the GRE, study critical theory to write my WS and SOP and then apply to graduate programs has somehow less potential for realization than other vague ideas that I absolutely knew must come about, even though they seemed impossible at the time (like graduating from college in the first place).

Of course, December application deadlines seem sort of like a far ways away. Though, if I am supposed to compose the best essay I've ever written, geared towards the faculty of ten different institutions that I have yet to research, it really isn't far away at all.

What seems more pressing, and distressing, whenever I think about it is having to move out of my apartment. Not only does it make me more removed from just about every path of advancement that I want to follow (contacting professors, studying Russian, a job that has to do with anything I've studied etc.) but I have a hell of a lot of stuff. How did I get so much stuff? How am I going to get it down three flights of stairs?

Shit.

it really happened!

Graduating from college has been an obsession for me since I was fourteen, when it seemed impossible, to a few months ago when I thought I could never finish my senior paper-- until a week ago. Some part of me hopes that the UMN analyzes my credits and decides that they won't send me a diploma so that I can keep doing what I know how to do, what I am good at.

It sounds ugly, but the sublimation from eight-grade education to BA has been an overwhelming marker of who I am. I've wanted to graduate to even the score, to be like every one else. Psychologically, I have tried to be like everyone else. I secretly congratulated myself when I seemed to blend in, when I got the costume right as an undergraduate. I always felt a little guilty, like I was getting something past my professors when I got an A. I could never get very close to my peers, in case they found out that I was a fraud. This year, I became marvelous at managing the college bureaucratic system; getting credits and requirements passed through. I always had the satisfaction that my accomplishments, though they were the same as everyone elses', were something more because I wasn't trained. It was all pure Catherine.

But now? In Russian they ask "что делать?". What to do? What must be done? I've gotten what I wanted and now I am just an ordinary twenty-two year old looking for a job. Having overcome the high school/college obstacle, I find myself looking for new ones. Since I refuse to admit that mindless secretarial jobs are in my future, I answer questions about my plans with "I am thinking about graduate school". But I am not sure I have the obstinacy to get through a doctoral program because I am fixed now. I could avoid walking uphill for the rest of my life if I wanted to, though now that I say it it doesn't sound like a good way to live my life-- avoiding challenges.

The market it so bad for English PhDs that I am sure my professors will not encourage me if I ask for letters of recommendation. And then, there is the dissertation. Do I really have what it takes to make a significant contribution to the field? Wouldn't I rather work forty hours a week somewhere (probably making about the same amount of money) and go home to read for pleasure?

I just don't know anymore. If I do, I might be miserable. If I don't, I might feel like I should have for the rest of my life.

At least I have this for now:

HB in lilac

This is the dress we got for HB for the wedding from Yorkie Fashion Fantasy. This is the second dress we've gotten from Diane and she does a wonderful job custom making whatever you can imagine. The dresses are constructed beautifully.

endemic

I'm finishing up Tuesday classes--one of my long days during the week when I have class, more or less, from 11 to 4--in my senior seminar, bending my head back every five minutes to see the clock. This isn't unusual, but I haven't finished reading Daniel Deronda so I feel particularly useless while waiting out the remaining twenty minutes, and a little ashamed about calling attention to myself with a question after class when I haven't contributed much to discussion.

I wait around for another student to finish asking about not getting her paper back and then ask my professor how to cite a quote from a book, found in an article, which I wouldn't have found if I had not read the article--which means I should give credit. He says something about putting the article and page number in parentheses (to be honest, I don't think he was quite certain) and then gets up to accompany the other student back to his office to look for her paper. I am going in the same direction.

Then he asks me whether I am graduating this year, and I say "yes" with the some awkwardness, qualifying it with the fact that "this is my first year at this campus". He looks disappointed and says that he tried to find me on some sort of list or system to do with the Honors program because students sometimes get "left out". He didn't know that I am a transfer student--as if this is something like a note of misconduct on a transcript or something. On our way out the door he says that he had looked me up but that my GPA wasn't quite good enough. I reply that Russian has killed my GPA (one can't get B's you know) and really wanted to say that I haven't gotten less than an A- for a long time in an English course (only a couple of B pluses when I first began). It didn't seem appropriate.

Walking past Lind--where I go my own way-- he mentions, perhaps as a kinder parting gesture, that I have been writing very good papers. I say that I wish I had had the opportunity to be in the Honors program.

On the way home I feel that this sort of thing is endemic to me. A small recognition of success always comes when I can no longer take advantage of it. When I left Morris last year, a professor told me she would like to nominate me to take a select (for Morris) English course on writing and become a tutor in the Writing Center. Nobody had ever given me any academic recognition before, so I was inordinately upset that I had to turn her down... because I was transferring.

And now this--when I can't do anything about it. I would at least feel good about the recognition if I hadn't heard the part about my GPA. I can't change it now, and I really did the best I could. I feel deficient anyways.

I am successful now, but I am not sure that it is actually sweeter having come after years of failure. That is probably why this incident bothers me--I've worked hard and can't take the failure anymore.

In the professor's eyes, I am a failure.

it has been awhile

I turned 22 on Tuesday! I feel old!

greetings from finals hell!

This is the picture I used for my family's christmas card this year-- yes I did find time to do it. Every other picture had someone's eyes closed or a bad face, so I chose this one. People seem to like it.

Only 16 more hours to finish this seminar paper. GAH!

OMG

Finals are going to kill me this week.

Once I get my seminar paper paper done though, it won't be so bad, it is due Friday but I need to have it done before then. Wrote my Russian Art and Culture Final last Friday. Wednesday is my Russian language final. Shakespeare final is due next Monday and 19th Century British Literature final is due Wednesday-- but I am NOT going to stay here until the day before Christmas eve for this shit so I need to get it done.

GOAL: be home on Saturday so I can make sugar cookies for my Dad's sunday school class.

I have already gotten most of my family's presents ordered. I need to put together the custom christmas crackers and make a bag for Steph.

Can't wait for this all to be over.

(But then I have to finish those distance courses. Blah.)