Saturday, May 22, 2010

it really happened!

holding the diploma case upside down

Graduating from college has been an obsession for me since I was fourteen, when it seemed impossible, to a few months ago when I thought I could never finish my senior paper-- until a week ago. Some part of me hopes that the UMN analyzes my credits and decides that they won't send me a diploma so that I can keep doing what I know how to do, what I am good at.

It sounds ugly, but the sublimation from eight-grade education to BA has been an overwhelming marker of who I am. I've wanted to graduate to even the score, to be like every one else. Psychologically, I have tried to be like everyone else. I secretly congratulated myself when I seemed to blend in, when I got the costume right as an undergraduate. I always felt a little guilty, like I was getting something past my professors when I got an A. I could never get very close to my peers, in case they found out that I was a fraud. This year, I became marvelous at managing the college bureaucratic system; getting credits and requirements passed through. I always had the satisfaction that my accomplishments, though they were the same as everyone elses', were something more because I wasn't trained. It was all pure Catherine.

But now? In Russian they ask "что делать?". What to do? What must be done? I've gotten what I wanted and now I am just an ordinary twenty-two year old looking for a job. Having overcome the high school/college obstacle, I find myself looking for new ones. Since I refuse to admit that mindless secretarial jobs are in my future, I answer questions about my plans with "I am thinking about graduate school". But I am not sure I have the obstinacy to get through a doctoral program because I am fixed now. I could avoid walking uphill for the rest of my life if I wanted to, though now that I say it it doesn't sound like a good way to live my life-- avoiding challenges.

The market it so bad for English PhDs that I am sure my professors will not encourage me if I ask for letters of recommendation. And then, there is the dissertation. Do I really have what it takes to make a significant contribution to the field? Wouldn't I rather work forty hours a week somewhere (probably making about the same amount of money) and go home to read for pleasure?

I just don't know anymore. If I do, I might be miserable. If I don't, I might feel like I should have for the rest of my life.

At least I have this for now:

with mom & steph

Friday, May 14, 2010

HB in lilac




This is the dress we got for HB for the wedding from Yorkie Fashion Fantasy. This is the second dress we've gotten from Diane and she does a wonderful job custom making whatever you can imagine. The dresses are constructed beautifully.