Thursday, December 23, 2010

wherein I finally understand "surviving" the holidays


(a gift from last year-- will I get any this year? uncertain)

I am done with the applications!!

Well, mostly. There are some teaching assistantship applications that are due in January/February that I'm putting off till after Christmas. I don't know why I even bothered applying to the schools that rely on the success of TA apps for funding offers because I'll never get a TAship with no teaching experience. The twin cities campus didn't need undergraduate TAs and at Morris I didn't have enough experience until I was gone.

Anyways, Sunday I went to pick up Anders in the cities and since then I haven't had a lot of peace. My older sister came home Tuesday night and Steph came home around dinner time. Anna's "hubby" is now staying here as well (which will actually make my dad much better mannered). I need to be able to rely on clean spaces-- at least a bedroom and a bathroom-- in order to relax and just feel like I can stop worrying about things. At the very basic level (higher level worries = applications) I'm quite obsessive about having things clean and with so many people at home I am using a LOT of clorox wipes. There is now no sanctuary bathroom where I can take a bath, just de-tense and soak my poor legs with their horrible circulation (read: I am about eighty years old). People are in and out of them all the time and I just don't like being that close to people. Also, I do have a conversation quota per day, but my ideal balance is more like 10% human interaction 90% alone time. This keeps me happy. Right now I'm at about 95% human interaction and it is grating on my nerves. On the other hand, it gives me something to look forward to when Christmas is over.

They're everywhere-- all the time-- wanting to know what I am doing/eating so that they can make fun of it. They go with me to the gym (well, that was sort of fun). I have to listen to them chew at lunch and dinner. I have to see their hair all over in the bathroom. I love my family, and I think they love me, but being around them 24/7 is a bit degrading because they don't take me seriously as a person. It is like they all live in the "real" world and I must be humored because I occupy a much lesser sphere that occasionally benefits them (like basically making Christmas happen). English, as a subject, isn't real to any of them and nobody wants to listen to anything about it, which is basically a denial of my life. ~sigh~

Also, I never made that Christmas wish list*. This is bad, but there wasn't time. And this means that I'll probably only have the things I ordered for myself off Amazon, including a copy of Le Morte de Arthur that arrived with the dustcover ripped, and one or two badly selected clothing items. Steph-- I love you, but shirts that are wider than they are long do not look good on me. I'm not sure how they look good on you, but there are always mysteries in life. The sad truth is that I spent all my free time arranging other people's gifts because I was honestly so sapped, my soul so shriveled-up-and-dead from trying-to-justify-my-academic-existence (still is) that I couldn't think of a lot of things that I wanted. Usually making up the list is a joy, even if I don't get everything on it, but this year I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was as if the tiny foray into pleasantness would bring me into full-on la-la land and I'd never be able to get back to cold, hard reality where my GPA matters more than moral character.

Nevertheless, simply NOT doing applications is fun in itself. I'll probably make some cardamom cookies tomorrow and try to live for a little bit. I may have to lock myself in my room to do it, but it will happen.

*I realize that the importance of this makes me:

1. About ten years old.
2. American.

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